I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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