I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
