dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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