matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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