Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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