I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
