The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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