People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
