brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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