Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
