Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
he just fucked me for my cheese..
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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