I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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