Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
