I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
