I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
