Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
