I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Michael Bay diarrhea
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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