I want to make a zoo with you.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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