don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
