I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
