I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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