Umm I'm too high to move.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
