Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
