Your face is a jimmy john
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize