so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
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