Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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