I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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