I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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