I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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