video games are the ultimate cock blocker
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
