I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
