I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
