woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
