So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
