Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
