I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Dicks are not precious.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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