Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
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