the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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