He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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