wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
