3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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