i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
