If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize