Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
