I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Everyone says I win the strip club
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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