Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
