Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
