so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
