I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
