yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
