she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
