OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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