then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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