Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
