ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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