Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
