Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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