she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize