I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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