I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
