im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
