I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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