Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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